Saturday, September 26, 2009

Ambiguous at Best

I am bored of the two week wait. I am angry at the two week wait. I want to pee on everything in sight but it's too soon, so I am bored and angry with that, too.

I have symptoms. But of what? Is that very early nausea or is there still doxycycline in my system? Are those weird twinges in my uterus or are they just my ovaries sucking back in the empty follicles?

Some things are different this time versus the last cycle, but it means nothing.
  • Last cycle, I had Very Sore Tits. The kind you can mush every day to relish in the possibility that it Means Something (besides that you are getting stabbed lovingly by your husband with 50 mg/day of PIO i.m. every evening). This time, nothing. 
  • Last cycle, I felt fine the day after the retrieval and the bloat dissipated over the next two weeks. This time, I feel like a bushel of fruit is wedged into my belly (let's hope so, right?) even though the stimulation-induced bloat-weight has disappeared. 
  • Last cycle, the PIO shots were annoying but not too bad. This time, those mother effers hurt. Really hurt. This has led to my husband's great culinary-science fusion theory that the sesame oil supension hurts more than the olive oil emulsion because sesame oil has a higher smoke point. Genius. If we are successful, I hope the baby gets his brains.
The biggest difference this time? I am an emotional wreck this week. It's a little soon for this to be PMS for me, especially considering that my stay at the Red Roof Inn came quite late after the last cycle (and I would expect it to be a little late after any IVF cycle, in light of all the hormones my body remains jacked up with until the RE calls off the dogs). What does this mean? Fuck-if-I-know.

I'm not really sure what I will do if this doesn't work out again this time. I'm trying very hard not to think about that, to instead pretend that I am pregnant until proven otherwise, but IVF and OCD are like peas in a pod so my efforts are semi-in vain. Would I try another cycle in a month? Would I take some time off?  Would I stay with the same RE or move to the other local clinic (the MD there has been described to me as the "Cadillac of REs" which probably means he comes at a price)? The correct answer is, I hope, that I will be pregnant and none of this will matter. We'll see. One more week.


Pundelina said...

I really hope you're proven pregnant.


BB said...

Oh the 2ww sucks! But I am hoping that the PUPO turns into a proven! Sticky vibes to you! {HUGS}

hope4joy said...

I pray that you are pregnant. I hope that what you are feeling is normal.I also am having a different reaction to the POI this time around. I am right here with you in the hell that is the 2 week wait. Hang in there girl.

BB said...

I was on the fence with the flu/h1n1 vaccine... but I am starting to get a lil comfortable with the idea of getting it after speaking with my OB and going through all this stuff! Also, sometimes I wonder... we take countless shots for IVF and wonder how many of them have what not (mercury etc) in them... how much will 2 additional shots make a difference! When you get the flu shots, try to get the thimerosal free ones (