Wednesday, November 18, 2009

First Rule of Fight Club

We've only confided in a few friends and close family that we are undergoing infertility treatment. For one thing, I don't enjoy explaining again and again what IVF is, what it is not, why we don't "just adopt," and so on. Even with the small number of people we have told, these conversations have become commonfare. Boo, hiss. As a result, my husband and I are getting increasingly tightlipped about our infertility. I worry especially about the prospect of using an egg donor, and how people playing for the fertile team would react; can they understand that it's not the same as adoption, and that we cannot undergo infinite IVF cycles with my eggs if those little fuckers won't fertilize or develop into normal embryos? Dunno. I have doubts about how people would generally handle it, and if they could muster the delicacy this kind of thing requires.

My point is best illustrated by reading the comments on this NYT article. I warn you, if you read even 1 or 2 comments, your blood will boil; if you dare read more than 2, your head will surely explode into shards and shrapnel. Let me summarize: most fertile people and assholes (not mutually exclusive groups) don't get it. At all. If you ask them, we infertiles are monsters. I have only two words for the asshats who posted comments on that article.....wait for it..... "whatever, dude." (You thought I was going to say "fuck you," right? -- Gah! I said it anyway -- only parenthetically, so it doesn't count....) I could rage on and on about the ignorant self-righteousness of most of the commenters on that article -- how they need to shut the hell up and realize that special needs orphans are everybody's problem, not merely my punishment for being infertile, etc. -- but will instead redirect you here for a great redux and a hearty set of infertile rebuttal comments to boot.

It seems stupid to have to keep this hush-hush, but perhaps it's better that way. What do you think?


BB said...

I am generally a pretty private person! Not religiously... but I prefer others not medling in my shit... so when it comes to fertility I am a super tight lipped person. People can be ignorant, insensetive bitches and they do not deserve to press their non-educated-and-non-experienced butt in my crappy life! We have guarded this pregnancy news as if it is greatest and the most important news in the world. It is not that I don't want to share this with people I (supposedly) care for (and I guess vice versa)... but I do not need assvice and do not need to burn my blood more than it has in the past several years! I can not handle people telling me (example)... "oh 2nd trimesters are the best... blah blah blah"... they do not understand how much I have been through and there is so much that can happen in next several months! This is no ones business and there is nothing wrong about being private about these issues!

ASP said...

I pick and choose who I want to share our infertility stuff with. Most people that I do share with are generally understanding and don't ask over and over to have things explained because they get it the first time usually (I don't mind questions either but I don't want to have to explain what an IUI is 67 times). On the other hand, the people I don't share infertility stuff with are those that wouldn't get it and would require me repeating things over and over and over and over and over again. So I just don't share with them mainly because they wouldn't get it and maybe I think they're assholes too. I totally understand being private about the fertility treatments that we go through, that's completely understandable. I also realize though that the more people I share our experience with then that's one less person making stupid comments on the NYT's article. It's easy for people to judge when they're not educated or have never known anyone to have to go through this crap. When friends and family can relate, then they're less likely to think we're all monsters that want to be pregnant with 6 babies at a time or that we shouldn't be allowed to "play God" as most of the idiots like to say. I'm not ashamed of my infertility. It's something that I couldn't have prevented, so I don't see any reason to be embarrassed or have to hide it. It's not my fault, dammit. ;)

hope4joy said...

OMFG. I should have followed your advice and not read more than 2 comments but I did. Now my blood is absolutley boiling. effing ignorant assholes. Anyway, I respect you not telling many people about your cycle. It isn't anyone's business.