Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Winter of Our Discontent

Here's my unpregnant bullet point list:
  • Current cravings: to both get pregnant and to have a baby (do you hear that, universe? BOTH of those things!)
  • Appetite: commensurate with period cramps
  • Weight: 10 lbs IF blubber lost
  • Energy: none
I just want to get cycle #3 over with. I can already see potential conflicts with the tentative retrieval date and a bunch of work meetings I have scheduled, which stresses me out (rescheduling with made-up excuses is fun with a capital "FU"). If this cycle fails we have to borrow $30K to use a donor egg shared risk program, if only because at least a failure of three shared risk cycles and all available FETs (which could take a year or more to complete) results in a refund so we can then start the 2-year-plus process of adopting. And FYI, Michigan has horrible domestic adoption laws. I'm just not having one of those see-the-bright-side kind of days.

Speaking of the universe's unholy torrent of shit, here's the rest:
  • My father-in-law has stage IV colon cancer
  • My mother-in-law is stressed out and calling me by my husband's ex-wife's name by accident
  • My sister-in-law is being dodgy about half-assed-not-really-inviting us to a New Year's Eve party, so we have no plans and will probably be lazy assholes and go to bed early
  • My mother (who is batshit crazy and abusive) sent me a letter explaining how she's not batshit crazy and I should totally be her friend because she's all kinds of the awesome and I should be in awe of her awesomeness
  • My sister gave me a "gag" Christmas gift: a lullaby CD; she thought it was funny because it has U2 songs rewritten for babies (she doesn't know we're "trying" so -- what the fuck?)
  • At our family Christmas party, my husband's very fertile cousins took turns making hilarious cracks about how having kids in our lovely house is a great, no the GREATEST, form of birth control -- I wanted to pull out an 18-gauge needle from the secret IVF drawer and stab someone in the eye
  • I have to make up an excuse to cancel lunch this week with a very pregnant friend because seeing her very pregnant belly will result in some combo of crying and sneering
  • I have two birthday parties to attend while on stims in January and will have to pretend to drink or make up a lame excuse so no one gets that retarded look in their eye and thinks that I'm with child (as I am very much without)
  • We can't plan any kind of vacation for any sort of reprieve as we don't have any idea what the fuck we'll be doing for the next 3 months or if we'll have any money left whatsoever
Ah, vacation.

I'm very seriously considering being 100% "out" with the whole trying to conceive and IF business this year. I am very tired, exhausted really, of making excuses, dodging stupid remarks, and having to be the better person when careless and hurtful things get said. Just over it. And the best defense is a good offense, right?

As for what's left of the winter of 2009: Miss Pundelina said it best.


Trinity said...

Unholy torrent of shit indeed. Cheers to batshit crazy and abusive mothers...I wish I couldn't relate. And, for what it's worth, I appreciate your post. Because, yes, there are days when the bright side is completely effin' invisible...

Here's to a much brighter 2010!

Anonymous said...

I definitely think that you should be open about your fertility issues and treatment. Especially to family and friends. I think you will find this to greatly reduce your stress about it, you will get love and support, the comments and jokes you experienced at Christmas will STOP(can't blame them if they don't know!)Plus, you will probably learn of others going through the same thing that you will be able to talk about it with. I understand your struggles, but please don't keep this to yourself. You are not the only one going through this and I think your family and friends would want to know, want to help and support you too.

'Murgdan' said...

I heard that birth control comment so many times I wanted to puke. Sadly enough...I'm still hearing it, except now it has the added twist, "heh, after being around these kids all day I bet you're sorry about the state you're in...you have no idea what you're in for!". Yeah. Ha-fucking-ha. They will never appreciate what they have, and will never understand another point of view. I'm still glad I haven't shared with those members of my family...but I get wanting to.

Sorry it sucked. And what's up with the lullaby CD? Ugh. Gag.

Peaches said...

Unholy torrent of shit just begins to summarize your holiday--geeeesh after that, I can seriously see WHY you would want to be out with your IF situation...Why bother being the bigger person, they sure aren't!!!!
Thank you for clearly saying all the things I have often thought...You rock!!!!

hope4joy said...

The comments haven't stopped in my case. Ones that know about our struggles and those that don't are equally ignorant. Please don't expect that sharing your IF hell will make anyone wise up. In my experience it does not.

The CD - PUKE.

Pundelina said...

A lullaby CD eh? And kids as contraception jokes eh? Out sounds like a sensible option given the asshats around you.

Anyway, don't choke baby! The year can completely and utterly fuck right off for both of us. I hope to God we have a better 2010 you and I.

bunny said...

So far I've figured the stupid comments from people who don't know about my situation are better than the stupid comments from people who DO know, but you've obviously been through a lot more. I'm so sorry about your father in law. I hope your husband is doing okay. And it sure seems like you're getting all the shit right now...which I guess means less for the rest of us. Thanks!

JB said...

I think you're all right -- it would be a huge unburdening to just be open about it, but people will still engage in douchebaggery nevertheless. I guess I consider outting myself as the warning shot, so if someone says an asshatted thing I reserve all rights to publicly shame them for it. It's easy with friends, but family is harder. My husband's family and my father's family are Catholic, and the pope says IVF is a no-no. We have already been asked why we don't forget the science approach and adopt a nice orphan. You know, like Mother Teresa would have. My answer to this is simply, "If you were given the diagnoses and the treatment options we were, perhaps you would have chosen differently, but this works for us." But my sister is another story (my mother is out of the picture and is a nonfactor). Like my mother, though, my sister is a hardcore Munchausen-level hypochondriac with no less than 5 different "diagnoses" achieved through a decade of doctor shopping; all of these diseases have no diagnostic test, specific treatment, or cure. So she is on a self-designed restricted diet, expensive uninsured "therapies," and so on. I can guarantee that if I were to tell her about this, she would manage to make it HER problem somehow and, worse than that, it would represent competition for medical attention that she can't handle. So, she will likely remain the only one in the dark.

I'm mostly just tired of the tiptoeing around frequent appointments, alcohol restriction, and assclown questions about why we don't have/want/try to have kids. I want the burden of knowledge to get shared a little bit instead of being all mine. This could go on for a while, so I need to unload a little before it gets too heavy. My husband was relieved when I told him I want to just be "out." I'm glad.

jenicini said...

First I must say that you are great. I can't believe that you had to put up with that shit. The best part of being out is that you can "publicly shame them for it." Yep. You can educate them and then if they still don't get it, lay on the snarky comments right back.

I have two bottles of champagne in my fridge to celebrate 2009 leaving, so CHEERS!