Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Alpha and Omega

I am stressed today. Here are my still-unpregnant bullet points:
  • RE nurse called to say my thyroid is misbehaving; we are doubling the Synthroid dose midway through the cycle
  • My erstwhile calm in this cycle gave way to concern that my fucking thyroid may have sabotaged me (and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling RE!)
  • I stuck myself while hunting for virgin flab to inject and now have a half-inch, 30-gauge puncture wound in my thumb
  • I started the antagonist tonight and those goddamned prefilled needles are DULL -- it feels like I'm injecting my skin with an unsharpened pencil and it effing HURTS*
  • My father-in-law has metastatic colon cancer and is down to comfort care; I talked with his doctor today and it is not good
  • I got a call from a pregnant friend and as soon as she asked how I am doing, before she could tell me about the tiniest minutia of her perfect second pregnancy in two years, I laid it all on her; now I feel kind of mean
I feel guilty for trying to balance my concerns and hopes for this last IVF cycle while confronted with my father-in-law's declining health and probable mere weeks to live. And I am also saddened that, even if we get pregnant, he may not be around long enough to know, let alone meet his second grandchild. I am just all kinds of sad. And yet trying to be hopeful. It's one big shit stew right now.

That optimism I was bragging about? Hanging on like a thread. But hanging on nevertheless. You know what, universe: I know you're not gonna cure his cancer, so could you throw us all a bone here and give us something to believe in? Besides the Rock of Love. Give our family something we can rally around. Please?

* I don't ice. That's for pussies. After three cycles you go pro.


jenicini said...

I'm sorry that your FIL is declining and going into hospice care. The hospice workers we had for my MIL literally saved me. They were the most kind and generous people. I hope his are the same. Keep hanging on to whatever hope you have Jenjen!

ASP said...

Jen--I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this right now. It sucks. There's nothing worse than having to watch someone you love deal with cancer. I am truly so sorry. Obviously, the timing of everything is awful and I hope you can find some sort of calm,hope and faith during this cycle with everything that's going on. Big, big hugs to you and your family.


And, yes, icing is for pussies. No matter what # cycle you're in. ;)

bunny said...

My heart goes out to you and your husband, for reals. I can particularly relate to your sadness about the fact that your FIL likely won't meet your child. That's a real heartbreaker. I hope with every fiber of my being that you get the joy you so deserve, and that your FIL is around to share in it. As for feeling mean about unloading on your pregnant friend, I have a feeling she doesn't blame you one bit. Sometimes it gets to be all about you. If she does blame you, I suggest you relieve some tension by kicking her ass.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law and believe me when I say I understand what you are going through. Although we are not in the middle of an IVF cycle when it all happended. I actually told Hammer a few days before he passed that I had always felt he would never see his grandchildren, Hammer said he felt the same way. Such sadness in a time of hope. But still there is hope, however thin that thread. Hang in there.