Friday, February 19, 2010

ReLAX

WARNING: TMI! TMI! TMI!

Now you've been prepped, so here's the deal: I am constipated beyond all belief and am ready to deliver a poo-baby any minute now. Boil some water and get fresh towels. Uh, if only I could. The hormone cocktail circulating in my serum apparently slows down digestion and, um, movement, and it is decidedly not good. I am taking a nasty, RE-approved laxative (Miralax) that forms a nice gritty paste when you mix it into 12 oz of Gatorade, but at least the odd salty flavor is masked by the thirst-quenching electrolytes. Two days so far of Gator-paste therapy, no action. Gawd, I just want my midsection to be rolled and squished like getting the last dollop out of a tube of toothpaste, to get rid of this bloaty, full, packed-to-the-gills feeling. [urp]

I knew about nausea and sore-boobedness, but I was not properly warned about traffic jams on the Hershey Highway. Christ, what else was I not told about? Is a giant melon-sized head going to squeeze through my lady canal in 8 months or something? Ha, that would be hilarious. [sigh]

14 comments:

bunny said...

You make pregnancy sound so hott. My pregnant best friend had the same experience and it went on for a while, I'm sorry to report. NO LAXATIVE COULD SAVE HER! I hope yours is not so vigorous.

BB said...

Metamucil has been "relatively" helping me. May be you can add that (try) to your gator-paste diet? :P

Trinity said...

What about prune juice, Jen? Do you think it would have any effect on your industrial-strength logjam? I still feel a bit limp when I recall the time I foolishly drank a whole glass of prune juice before running a few errands with a friend, you know, thinking it had some time to work its natural wonders. 30 minutes later I was helplessly shitting a river in a Wal.Mart bathroom. This was traumatizing because 1)I avoid public restrooms as a general rule, and 2)I refuse to shop at Wal.Mart as a rule. You can imagine how victimized I was by doing something as tender as moving some bowels there. In hindsight, though, I suppose it is poetic that I formally exploded its ladies' room.

Anyway, prune juice.

Once Upon A Time said...

There's a lot nobody properly informs you about!... just wait, near the end you'll have the opposite problem- my hershey highway is more like the Autobahn right now, complete with no speed limit!

jenicini said...

Oh the fun of being pregnant! Hope the logjam ends soon!

c by the sea said...

you make me laugh.

although this is no laughing matter, i know. i am fortunate to be pooping every 3 or 4 days, so i can't relate, but i sure to hope you gets some relief soon!

Lisa said...

Maybe Sanjaya can come massage your belly. (Too obscure?)

hope4joy said...

Hope things clear up soon. I don't have any advice, sorry. My usual remedie, coffee and smokes, aren't probably a good idea, you know for the baby. good luck.

JB said...

Trinity - your Wallyworld story almost made me poop my pants -- so close. I think I may have to try prune juice. Oh lordy. I'm just gonna cut the middle man and sit on the pot and guzzle prune juice until something happens. (I told KB about Whitney and Bobby and "real love" but he did not find this acceptable.)

And I will be shitting my pants uncontrollably in the 3rd trimester? I've already read about peeing your pants starting in the 2nd trimester. This is kind of ridiculous. I'd better get some pull-ups since apparently I'm a big kid now.

Pundelina said...

haha - I too was a traffic jam of backed-up-awfulness when pregnant with TLG. Say hellloooo to hemorrhoids ;)

Try pear juice it's a wonderdrug.

Lily said...

Prunes. And unlimited miralax. I have a toddler who poops every 10 days when we're lucky, and it's a progression of daily miralax to ex-lax to suppositories. But prunes have helped me with this pregnancy. Just don't OD. It's gross.

Pundelina said...

PS - there's an award for you over on my blog!

pregnant in Manhattan said...

hi! i'm due fall 2010 too- Sept 4 to be exact.

Lisa said...

I also awarded you. But if you don't want to deal with it or pass it on, I totally understand. I'm looking forward to your 2/24 update!