Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Secret to My Success

Oh, Zofran. You were so good to me in the honeymoon phase of our nauseous relationship. And then things went screwy...the headaches, the dizziness, the mighty, mighty constipation. Zofran, our love soured. You made me feel murdery and stabby. And only recently did I learn that Zofran causes constipation. No shit (literally)! It's ironic that I didn't know this sooner, considering I draft pharmaceutical product labeling for a fucking living. Rope-a-dope. (It's like rai-ee-ain on your wedding day....)

So I am now Zofran-free, and living with mild nausea that just. won't. quit. But it sure beats the low-level nausea PLUS headaches PLUS dizziness PLUS severe constipation. Getting waterboarded while having your fingernails ripped out with pliers while getting nipple-shocked with jumper cables would beat that, though.

I also conducted my own open-label, 1-arm, 1-week clinical trial (N=1) to test the hypothesis that the prenatal vitamin with its 4.6 gigazillion units of iron was causing much of my gastrointestinal horror. And lo! the trial was a success. I stopped taking the horsey pill for a few days and miraculously was able to stop the, um, logjam. Combined with the discontinuation of Zofran, I am pleased to report that I feel 76% human now. What a marked improvement. (I showered four days in a row last week. In a row!)

Since I had a biweekly ad hoc OB appointment to check on my nausea (hello! hi! still hanging around like that last annoying party-goer who can't take a hint when you stand in the doorway holding their coat out to them!), I got to hear the little heartbeat again. Pumping away at 144 bpm. Clearly alive. Probably kicking. I learned from the week-by-week development website I've bookmarked that Baby B now has fingerprints (you're on the grid, kiddo! Better behave!) and can pee. So my baby is peeing into my uterus. Hmmm. But, s/he is also swallowing amniotic fluid to practice breathing, which means s/he is also swallowing fetal pee. So there.

KB and I are off to Florida to visit his mom for a week, leaving tomorrow morning. Bright-ass and bushy-fucking-tailed early. Meh. I have my borrowed summer maternity clothes packed (the silver lining of everyone having babies before me, is that they have much to loan and gift to me) and a purse stuffed with granola bars and emergency-use-only Zofran, so off to the Sunshine State we go!

I don't know if I can post from my iPhone, but I have my blog bookmarked to check on everyone in my blog list. So I'll be stalking you, uninterrupted! Do post, and often!

Peace and love,


bunny said...

I am sure the FDA will be delighted to hear the results of your trial. *I'm* delighted to hear that your baby is still alive. Wow, tiny fingerprints...that's amazing. Don't touch my computer screen, fetus! I hate it when people leave their fingerprints on screens.

Lisa said...

Have a great trip!

Pundelina said...

Nice experiment science-grrl. Glad your hypothesis was supported and you feel waaay better.

Have a fantastic time in Florida!

Trinity said...

Wow, your poor, poor gastrointenstinal tract! :( Ugh, so sorry to hear about that.

Seriously joyful to hear about Baby B! Fingerprints, yo!

Have a safe trip! Enjoy the sunshine and warmth! :)

jenicini said...

Goodbye Zofran! Cracking up at your clinical trial. :) I have so much sympathy for you and your constant nausea. I don't know how you freaking do it. Didn't you get tortured enough with IF crap. Geesh. Have lots o' fun in the sun!!!

Once Upon A Time said...

Hope you're having fun in FL! Here's the month sticker website: http://www.pickysticky.com/
You helped remind me that I was planning to do a giveaway for picky stickies the day I ended up delivering... so maybe I should get on that.