Monday, May 3, 2010

Deep Thoughts Jack Handey.

Do you ever wish life had a "hide" function like fb? You know, to avoid those annoying but seemingly omnipresent family members you'd like to disown if the legal paperwork weren't so confusing?

I have apparently turned fb-hiding-trigger-happy this week as I have now elected to "hide" my dad's fb feed. Yep, my own father. Here's the thing: we barely have a relationship as he was absent the years between 5th grade and grad school, so when he "friended" me on fb I figured, well hey, I guess this will making catching up pretty hands-off. Sweet. But it turns out he is kind of a dick. A grade A asshole. A so-stereotyped-it's-not-even-funny racist redneck. Remember, this is the guy who insists on taking my stepsister's toddler to Hooters for birthday parties. Six ways to awesome. Actually, now that I think about it, my stepsister, stepbrother, and half-brother are all more or less total fuck-ups (not a day of college or a steady job between them), so I'm sure my sister and I got a bargain by not having the guy around during the formative years (that left my mother as the sole child-ruiner, rather than doubling up). But the more I see of his attitudes and behaviors on fb, which is the electronic equivalent of mixed company in a rather large social setting, the more I feel like my child is NOT going to have much contact with dear old gramps.

This week? The offending effort was to jump into an immigration thread on my fb wall, and to turn it into an opportunity to insult me and my friends in a pretty significant way. One of my friends, a grown man who happens to be a minority and who lives in the deep south, was told by my tactful father, "Listen, here, boy, you need to take a seat and let the grown-ups handle this, son..." or something to that effect. Boy? Serious? Jesus H. Christ. As soon as I saw these and other equally derogatory rapid-fire comments, I deleted the entire thread and contemplated ways to apologize to my friend for the unforeseen ambush. And for the past week, my newsfeed has been crowded with pro-Arizona and anti-Obama rants -- one such rant yesterday was followed by a posted picture of a monkey. A fucking monkey. *facepalm* *click hide* These posts aren't just offered as opinions, which as a tree-hugging first-amendment-loving liberal I am obliged to respect, but are punctuated with sentiments like, "This is OUR America, get used to it!" I assume the "our" refers to our multicultural melting pot, right? Uh, no. Not so much.

I know that I am liberal, and that I am passionate about politics and civil rights, and that I am also easily offended, but this is a bridge too far for me. I would never fit in with the hillbilly crowd my father runs with, or his ne'er-do-well new family, but it also pains me that I'm running out of grandparents for my kid. My mother's fucking nuts, so she's out of the picture (imagine my dad times a gazillion served on a bed of ignorant plus hateful hate piled on top with a dollop of misogyny to finish). My father-in-law was a fantastic man and a great dad to KB, and just passed away this year. So all the pressure is on KB's mom, who will be Nonna to our kiddo. She's a good woman, so I'm grateful for that.

And as for good ol' pops? Well, he and my stepmom can come visit for a day or two after the kid is born (when I'm good and ready, and not a minute sooner), but I don't think we'll be making trips down to Virginia to celebrate Slavery Appreciation Month with the ol' fam, cracking warm Coors cans and watching NASCAR. Not gonna happen. I have higher hopes than community college drop-out for my kid. And I don't want to get a call from the school principle because my child is quoting Lou Dobbs and attempting to deport a kid from the kindergarten playground. And we'll be having birthday parties in our backyard, where all the ladies will be fully-clothed.


bunny said...

Heavens to Betsy! That's horrifying! (And hilarious...) It does kinda seem like you escaped from some kind of hick hell. Maybe you can spend part of your maternity leave writing a how-to guide.

Trinity said...

I do believe our state slogan is Virgina is for Haters, so it makes sense. Sigh. We have more than our fair share of ignorant assfaces in this disturbingly red state. I would like to deport some of THEM.

I keep getting FB friend requests from my mother, and I will continue clicking "ignore" from here until eternity. I feel like FB is a cheap way for her to see what's going on in my world. If she cared she could, you know, pick up the effin' phone.

I hear you on the grandparent front. I already know that my child/ren will have a distant (if any) relationship with my parents and that branch of the family tree. (Except for my middle sister, who is, by all accounts, endlessly awesome.) I have family members who openly gay bash and drop the N-bomb over Easter lunch. Not exactly the kind of crowd you want to expose your tender babe to. Sad.

P.S. I think my all-time, gut-busting fave Deep Thought is this one:

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

jenicini said...

OMG...I am not a liberal (surprisingly since I grew up in California) however those comments make me bat-shit crazy! Good work on the hide function!

Kelly said...

I completely relate to your crazy, redneck family. Mine posts pictures of guns every day and frequently voices their opinions on the "real" America. It's just gross...

kmina said...

Dude, I have been living under a rock until now, otherwise I cannot for the life of me explain to myself how I have not found your blog sooner!
You are just awesome, I have been reading your blog and bugged hubs to listen to me quoting you - he is reading the Millennium trilogy, which is quite captivating, and does not really like to be interrupted, nevertheless, he can't help but laugh, and not frown, which only shows that you are indeed awesome. ;-)

Congrats on the wonderful growing baby! You have my sympathy as regards your family (we have this one in common, my in-laws could be long lost relatives of your close family).
And prepare to be mind-blown by U2, I saw them last year in June and it was (to quote great classics alive) seven ways to awesome. (Funny tid-bit, I saw them in Berlin, and to get to Olympiastadion where the concert was, we had to take the Ubahn (subway) 2 - in short... U2! The geek in me was thrilled and took so many pictures of the signs that I actually expected the subway guards to come ask me about me health.)

I could have sent you a mail, so long this comment got... Well, I had to catch up somehow. And I am too lazy to do anything in this respect by now. So there. You know, I've just realised that this is the first time I am not lurking, that I read and comment. THAT good you are. ;-)

Best to you,

Mina said...

For a little while, my father's wife (I'm tool old to have a stepmother, and there's nothing "mother" about her) was leaving incendiary comments on stuff I posted.

Standard example: I linked to a mainstream article about how CPAC was setting up their Pelosi pinata and Reid punching bag and noted why that was wrong. She (on behalf of her and my father) asked in the comments how that was different from liberals burning Bush or Cheney in effigy.

I told her to cite her source, knowing full well that no official Dem or liberal group has ever sanctioned implied violence against either of them.

Her only other comment was a winky-smile emoticon...because she can't cite a source. She just believes what she believes (and is reinforced by FoxNews) and can't be bothered with facts. She's had a dreadful influence on my once-intelligent father.

She's been pretty absent on fb for a while. If that shit starts again, though, I won't stop at "hide"--I'll de-friend her ignorant ass. She has no significant place in my life or lifestyle; that's not going to change, so why should fb be any different?