Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Impossible Germany, Unlikely Japan

Only recently have I allowed my brain to begin processing what should be an obvious reality: that in about two months, I will have a baby. That starting on some particular day this fall, there will be a baby, my baby, in my life every day, all day, forever. Dude.

The endurance and durability test that is infertility fractured my perception of what preparing for parenthood is, to the point that I still have difficulty grasping the realness of what is happening in my ladyparts as we speak. That the kickpunching and twirling and swishing is a real live baby. For so long, I grew to believe that getting pregnant was impossible. It would not happen. Ever.

And now that it has, the possibility (ne, probability; okay, fine, eventuality) that a real live baby will emerge still seems...unlikely. Some days I play mind games with myself (the good news: I always win!) and pretend there's no baby, that I'm just incredibly and front-focally fat. Even as KB and I prep the nursery and finalize registries and send out baby shower invitations, I have a hard time truly comprehending that this is happening. We are well past the paranoia of things going catastrophically wrong. The few possible dangers that lurk for me or the baby are rare and not generally on my radar. I just don't trust the universe anymore, I guess.

I sort of loathe that people are treating me like a normal pregnant person, because I will never feel like I had a normal pregnancy. I didn't get here by the normal route. I had to take the long and winding road and there is not, and never was, a map. I suppose I just have to trust that we are about to arrive at our destination.


kdactyl said...

I totally understand how you feel. I was the same way with our son two years ago. I just could not grasp that we would actually have our happy ending. but you do...and it is awesome...but guess what? We did it again (this time we adopted embryos as our own goods were just too hard to come by)...and I am having those same feelings all over again...will shereally be here in just 4 months? It has not sunk in and I'm not sure it will until she is here. for those of us who struggle...we get so use to the NOT having...that we find it hard to even imagine the HAVING! But hey...it will happen,....and you will love it!

Trinity said...

Though still many moons behind you gestationally-speaking, I am right here with you on this sentiment. Yup. There are moments when (what I *think* is real) excitment seeps in unexpectedly, but mostly I walk around in a bubble of ambivalence and denial. I'm glad you've moved beyond the anxiety of impending catastrophes...I want to go to there!

And, as far as people treating me like I'm a normal pregnant person? This shit is up in my face all day long. I could (and probably will) write a post on this eventually. Coworkers now call me "Mama" and people talk to me about their past pregnancies and they generally just act all certain that everything is peachy-keen in my uterus. I think my face has fixated in a permanently surly stink-eye, 'cause that's what I do all effin' day to people. Blurgh.


jenicini said...

Yep. I'm starting to realize that this might all work out and thus I need to take birthing and breastfeeding classes. When we move into our house I'll actually start setting up a nursery too. It's such an odd feeling after everything we've gone through.

ASP said...

I don't think anyone that has had to deal with any part of infertility (miscarriages, IUI's, bad eggs, etc., etc.) will ever have a normal pregnancy. It's part of the game. I know that even if I were to ever get pregnant with a unicorn naturally, I'll be forever freaked out by the miscarriage that we had. Which in turn will lead to a pregnancy that will make me, as Trinity put it, walk around with a "permanently surly stink eye" and want to punch people that call me "Mama". You're almost there, lady. Soak it all in because I can't believe how quick your time has flown. Even if you might disagree. I remember when that lil' bebe at the side was just a lil' shrimp and here you are already.

Also, the music choice. I'll let Tweedy know next time we're strolling past his house that his tunes can also relate to pregnancy and the impossible and unlikely reality of it all. ;) Nice choice.

Roccie said...

You know Wilco will love you.

This healthy baby is on the way.