Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Present

I am trying really, really hard to live in the present. Not my strength.

First, I'm worried about work. I need back-up colleagues prepped and in place soon to transition my work to, once I go on leave. There's no good way to guess when that will be, given how unreasonable fetuses are with regard to convenient scheduling, so I am struggling to find people whom A) I trust and B) are willing. In that order. My manager is the opposite of helpful (a career ladder-climber with ambition > skillz) so I cannot count on him to facilitate this process. He actually fails to "show" for many of our teleconference one-on-one meetings, anyway; it's doubtful he even remembers this is an action item he ought to be concerned with.

For the record, I don't care what happens with my application for a management position right now, as I figure that fate will probably make me her bitch somehow, as usual. A close friend and colleague is interviewing for an open position and is, methinks, likely to get it; I am focusing my happy-promotion energy on her. She's worked hard for it and the timing is right for her. Maybe she'll wind up being my new manager at some point. A girl can dream.

I am alternately exercising patience as I surpass 9 months of pregnancy (holyfuckingshit) and growing ever-impatient as I must wait, wait, wait until the baby is ready to be birthed. I analyze every ache, pain, pop and crackle. And there are lots of each. My feet and hands are now swelling, which is causing neuropathy. Ouch. It is a chore to go to the bathroom, which is something I have to do at least hourly. Boo. I can't sit or lie in the same position for more than an hour without suffering the consequences in every part of my swollen body. Yick. I have an appointment tomorrow and I think I'm going to engage in an all-options-on-the-table discussion about induction, due dates, and whatnot with the caveat that I don't want to fuck around with nature if it's deemed risky, but I also fucking hate nature and have had it up to here with her shenanigans. For realz. We'll see what the OB has to say about it.*

My biggest effort is to focus on the present tense of this fetus -- this baby -- about to be born. Because that's, like, a really big deal. I am trying not to think too far into the future (even the immediate future of L&D and how to care for a newborn baby and keeping visitors in check and my family wanting to fly in and checking in at work to see how the big changes are impacting the business and.....see what I mean?). The best I can do is to resort to my faithful daily list routine, in which I simply make a list of things to do TODAY and today only. As in, today I will finish my to-do's for work, shower, get dinner (KB has his fantasy football draft tonight**), and wash a load of adult clothes followed by a load of baby clothes and blankets. That is all.

*I won't even try to deny that part of my anxiety over getting to the birthing part of this experience (our childbirth class nurse educator was fond of calling L&D the "birth experience") is wanting to eliminate the amount of time separating NOW with getting baby here THEN. Because I have been trained, ne conditioned, to believe that available time = opportunity for shit to go wrong.

**Reason Number 4,318 why I know KB is my soul mate: his fantasy football team is called the Fighting Platypi.

1 comment:

bunny said...

What's so great about the present, man? I like the future, where everything is wonderful! Because that's how the future works, right? I'm glad you're so sick and exhausted and beat down, because otherwise you'd just have more energy to worry about all this. But seriously, the today to-do list is an excellent plan.