Tuesday, November 9, 2010

You Down With OCD (Yeah, You Know Me)

I ponied up $4.99 to get the Total Baby app on my iPhone and am now obsessed with it. As in, I must record every baby-related thing that happens on time, every day. Feedings, pees and poos, naps, baths, immunizations, and extras like pumping and taking walks. Well, hello OCD, it's been too long. The last time we met it was a dark, crowded exam room and I was injecting my once-flat(ter) belly with so, so many needles full of baby-making drugs...I swear, it's crossed my mind to record my own, um, accomplishments for posterity given the rarity with which I can take a leisurely shower, eat a meal (or two bites of whatever I grab from the fridge first), or pee or poo without attempting to multi-task beyond human ability to get done before The Boy awakens with The Loneliness or The Hunger. A friend of a friend is a nanny and I'm meeting her Thursday to discuss part-time help a couple of days per week, so I can use my new Y membership and go buy diapers and maybe sneak in a shower and some more boob-pumping time without rushing or having to complete a task with a screaming baby in the background. On the one hand I'm super excited about having a few hours of free time, but on the other hand I kind of feel like I must be an epic Mommy Fail to need the help in the first place. Oh, well. I'm going to err on the side of sanity, I suppose. Jackson is still very much in need of hands-on care all day, and doesn't much like to nap anywhere but in my arms, so I can either remain paralyzed all day -- also slightly ripe from lack of daily hygiene as I once knew it -- or accept help. Happy Mommy, happy baby. So be it.

And there is no shortage of assvice on how to get him to take naps in the crib, bassinet, swing, or any other location that is not me. (Hell, if he would nap in the dog bed, I would be all for it.) My mother-in-law keeps reminding me that if only I could put him on his stomach to sleep, he would nap like a champ, like her kids did. If only. Hint, hint. (Also, if only I could give him water he wouldn't be so thirsty all the time. Cause I'm sure that's what he's rooting for, a nice bottle of crisp, refreshing Evian.) My only defense (as I've run out of patience explaining) is to show the assvice-givers that if you lay him down, half- or fully-asleep, in any bed-type contraption (crib, bassinet, swing, bouncer) during a daytime nap he A) immediately wakes up and B) commences raging. And he's way too young to cry it out -- the pediatrician recommended letting him fuss (not cry, just fuss) for up to 10 minutes before throwing in the towel and picking him up. It works on occasion, but only for about 20 minutes, tops, of napping time. So the assvice-givers have seen this with their assvice-having eyes, yet don't stop giving the assvice. So be it.

Lastly, Daylight Savings Time sucks. I thought it sucked before, but now it double extra sucks. It has thrown off what fledgling schedule we were developing by several hours (why not just 1 hour, I do not know). So suck it, DST, you filthy whore. I hate you and your ilk. *flips double birds*

5 comments:

jenicini said...

Jen - You never fail to make me laugh. Glad I could feed your OCD with that app...:) Sooooo hoping j works out the sleeping so you can shower!

Lauren said...

I don't want to be an assvicer, but... is he swaddled? I just wanted to ask. Although my son went through a period at around your son's age where it didn't matter if he was swaddled or not, he would still wake up as soon as he wasn't in my arms. It was far worse if he wasn't swaddled, though.

It gets better, as I'm sure everyone has told you!

kmina said...

Oh, dear, the assvice... Everyone is full of it and imparting it without discrimination, but I am the one who is THE expert on MY baby, I know better and whatever I say is RULE as far as MY baby is concerned. So this is why my baby does not 'cry it out', this is why I hold him whenever he wants to be held, this is why I swaddled him until a week ago, this is why he sleeps in the afternoon with me in the big bed, this is why he gets the breast in his mouth whenever he asks for it and usually gets it for how long he wants it. Sod the 'experts' with their opinion on how I should put my baby to sleep, what to feed him and so on.
And if I hear one more time about the baby 'asking' for water or tea, I am gonna start ripping heads. Obviously, a cuppa is what he is asking for, but I am the only one who does not understand that, innit?! My hands hurt due to so many birds a-flippin' by now.

I could tell you to ignore the assvice, Jen, but I know how it is, my blood starts boiling only when I think about my MIL, so I hope you can ignore yours better than I can do it to mine. And true, happy mummy, happy baby, so don't feel bad about the help, feel grateful you can afford it.

bunny said...

HA! You made pregnancy sound so pretty, and now you're doing the same for early parenthood. I love you for the doses of reality you provide. Getting some help sounds like a PLAN!

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that I have been exactly where you are. My baby wouldn't sleep during the daytime without being held until he was 5 months old. And if anyone thinks that it is fun holding a sleeping baby all day then they are nuts! Love your blog!