Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Bad to Worse to Better

Stick a fork in me. I'm done.

After being up all night unable to breathe, with painful coughing fits and fever and chills, I conceded to KB that I CANNOT DO THIS. THIS being working full-time, sending Jackson to daycare full-time, pumping to facilitate all the full-times, and trying to live in between. Cause I'm not, really. I'm just barely, barely surviving. He admitted that he's been really worried about me having post-partum depression*, and that he wants me to quit my job and worry about the details of finding freelance work later. I am relieved, and yet still feel like a failure. Mostly relieved. I'm gonna go with that.

I'm taking some sick days at work because, well, shit, I'm really fucking sick, and have been for two months, and I'm spending my awake time (when not pumping, cause there's always THAT) hunting online for part-time contract medical writing jobs. I'm just going to pepper the interwebs with my resume and online applications and see who bites. I'm also going to compose an email to our daycare/school principal to formally request rates for downgrading to part-time, either 3 or 4 days per week. My preference would be 3 days, maybe Monday-Wednesday, giving us four-day weekends together. If no job materializes and the money gets tight over the next several months, I will pull him out of daycare and stay at home full-time for a while. Anything is better that where I am at this moment. And I might surprise myself -- I might really like that. You just never know.

So, Interweb Bloggy Friends, fingers crossed that I haven't spat in the universe's eye too much and that things work out for the best in all this. Time to set my life on track and thoroughly enjoy this delicious little bundle of joy we worked so hard to have.

*I don't think I do, but I'd bet at least a couple of acres of the farm on situational depression. Since antidepressants aren't indicated for that anyway, I'm just gonna go with the behavioral modification approach -- that behavior being, taking this job and shoving it.


hope4joy said...

Good for you. It takes courage to do what you are doing but like you said if "current state" is the alternative what can you do? One thing I know is you are not a failure. You are a first time mother that worked your ass off to have Jackson. You deserve this time.

BB said...

I am so glad you did it! I remember yous posts (pre-jackson) about how you wanted to work! It is totally worth it... like I had read on some blog comment... towards the end of life... I will be happy about how much time I could devote to my kids, but never be sad about how much time I did not work in the professional world.

Hope you feel better soon!

Esperanza said...

So glad to hear you can take the job and shove it! Yay! I'm going to live vicariously through you for that one! WHOO HOO!

Carli said...

I am so glad that you made this decision. You were so unhappy with your job before Jackson was born. And now? Well, it has been downright miserable for you.

I hope that this change of pace for you will give you the work/life balance that you are craving and will make your days and nights be much more pleasurable. And Jackson will love having some more time with his momma. And your tatas may stop going on strike with the mastitis.

All good in my book. :o)

bunny said...

Well DAMN! Congratulations on this major decision. I am so totally down with KB's suggestion, and have a ton of secular-type faith that your awesome credentials will lead to enough gainful employment that you'll be much happier with the balance. And in the meantime, while the universe is figuring out what kind of magical, rewarding unicorn job to drop on you, I hope you will just wallow in the lighter load. And perhaps get better!

Lauren said...

Yay!!! Good for you!! I hope you will feel so much better about everything. I'm glad you figured out what "something" should give:)

ASP said...

J- Everything is going to work out. Sometimes you just need to step away from things and take a deep breath and then everything sorts itself out exactly how it's supposed to. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, and don't ever feel like a failure because you're far from that. You have a lot on your plate right now and being sick on top of it all, doesn't make things any easier. Here's hoping your boobays feel better like NOW and you find all kinds of freelance work when the time comes. Hugs, gf. ♥

finch said...

This sounds like a great plan. You're taking care of you and your baby, which are both WAY more important than your job right now. Also, I'm sure there's a brilliant free lance career to follow, ideally after a few months respite. Hope you start feeling better soon.

Anonymous said...

Good for you, Jen.
Don't think it will be easy, nothing is ever easy, from what I know. But at least you will enjoy bigger parts of your day. You won't have free time, since a baby guarantees the lack of that, but spending time with your baby while he is so tiny could be a reward in itself.
Again, congrats for simplifying your life.

Another Jen said...

Bravo! I've just given notice at a job that, while rewarding me well, has drained me and taken me for granted for years. The next adventure is scary, but the relief of knowing I'M DONE is a huge counterweight.

You might check out Jen Creer at I *think* she's in your market space--she might have some good tips for making it stick. Good luck!

Roccie said...

Fuck yeah. This can work. You give it what you got and see what happens.

Things have gotten easier for us over the last year. Pumping is an ass kicker. I gave myself shingles trying to get milk out of these stones. Once that is completed you will be amazed with the time on your hands. Labor of love holy shit that BF is hard work. Hang in there. Sippy cups will be here someday and when you pour his lunch instead of produce it, it is like the Promised Land.

Best wishes on the new work plan. It can make or break you. Too much of our lives, you know?

jenicini said...

Okay, your hubby is awesome. Please please take this job and shove it! You are way too smart and talented (yes, I can tell this just from your blog writing) to be miserable.