Friday, February 18, 2011

Order 66

It is done. But first, my day yesterday.

I went to Urgent Care to find out if I could maybe please ohgawdhurryup get some elephant-strength antibiotics for my deathcold. After an unnecessary x-ray (they asked me if I was maybe pregnant, and I chortled and mumbled something under my breath about needing eggs and sperm for that), explaining to my ditzy doctor what mastitis is (it is not, as she suspected, an infection of the mastoid bone -- I was stunned by her presumption and in my daze just pointed to my boob and gave her a what-the-fuck look) as well as spelling the name of the drug I was taking for it (blah-blah-blah-acillin), and waiting and waiting and waiting, she told me what I already knew: sinusitis and bronchitis. Augmentin twice daily for about two weeks. Two doses in and I still have a raging fever. I am so tired, y'all. Almost ready for a dirt nap. Oh, and the doctor has a 4-month-old and delighted in telling me how her baby sleeps through the night for 10 hours, and how was mine? Not as much, I said, but getting there. She then asked me (hold back my punching fist, please) if I've started him on rice cereal, because then he'll sleep more. And then she gave me the greatest assvice-ish statement I've been gifted to date: maybe he's nursing at night because he's hungry. Wow. Did you learn that in medical school?

Then last night, while washing/wiping my ass with/spit-shining/sterilizing my pump parts, a little yellow valve went flying and the dog ran in to investigate whether the Meat Fairy or French Fry Fairy might have just dropped in to spread some canine culinary joy. Cause in the dog world, on-the-ground equals fair game, whether edible or not. You see where this is going. KB and I were on our hands and knees looking for this thing and could only conclude...that the dog ate it. Neither KB or I felt great, so I decided I would schlep out to le Target to buy a replacement. Let's just say, there is nothing dignified about standing in line at the checkout counter, face red from a 102-temp, hair a disaster of hobo proportions, sniffling, having uncontrollable spastic coughing fits and furiously ripping open the bag of cough drops hastily grabbed from the checkout-counter-temptation-rack, and then being asked cheerily by the clerk, "How are you this evening?" I felt like busting out in a raucous and rousing rendition of "I Feel Pretty," but I just stared blankly at her with my puffy dead eyes, and she knew I did not want to be offered a Target credit card and did not care if I could save 15% on my first purchase. That was the fastest sale in history. And with the warm weather and melting snow, I'm now kinda tempted to go scour the yard for yellow valve-shaped protrusions in the dog turds. Okay, not really. But wouldn't that make a great story for the next time (if there is a next time, which gods-willing there won't be) I get mastitis? Well, I do steam sterilize the parts, but this one time I fished a valve out of some dog dookie...I think, if the occasion unfortunately arises again, I will say that. For grins.

And then. Today. I gave my two-week notice and emailed a letter of resignation. I feel a weight lifted. They have two more weeks to squeeze blood from this rock and then they can consider themselves taken, and shoved. I feel some uncertainty, but mostly hope that I can start taking better care of myself at no one's expense. I am looking forward to more time with Jackson, working out, maybe rekindling my intimate relationship with my therapist (for a tune-up, since I'm in that mode), and spending some actual quality time with KB, which we both sorely miss and deserve and need. Glory be. Hallelujah.


Lauren said...

Wow, what a day! And what a stupid doctor. Seriously. I cannot believe how stupid she is.

Kelly said...

Oh, babe... I feel for you. This sounds like a horribly rough time.

By the way, I've never felt smarter than when I started working with doctors every day. That pedestal got knocked down very quickly. Sounds like yours was a real winner.

Take care of yourself.

finch said...

Wow. It actually really worries me that a trained doctor (and mom herself) could be so ignorant. Well, at least you knew what you needed and were able to get it. Let the 2 week countdown begin!

ASP said...

Amen for that 2 week notice. Think of all the time we can spend exchanging funny comments and posts on FB. Hardyharhar. Really though, here's to getting things back on track, Friend. You deserve it.

Damn, and please start feeling better. That doctor you saw sounds like a real moron. Sheesh. I guess at least you got some meds to start killing that shit you've got going on. Feel better. I want you to be well enough to dig that yellow valve out of your dog's turds. You should write more about turds and dookie. It makes me lol like I'm in 3rd grade.

Thanks for all the comments on my blogdiggityblog too. I need to still respond to the latest. I'm being a lazy b tonight.

Feel better and get some rest...after you feed Jackson some cereal in his bottle so he sleeps longer. Teehee. ;)

Anonymous said...

Urgent care doctors seem like the least intelligent doctors. I went in and was told I had mastitis, the meds didn't help nothing did, ended up at er and the baby had chafed me raw and they said i just needed neosporin!

jenicini said...

Mastitis of the mastoid? Wow, that's what 200k of debt will get you. Bawhaha about the dog treat/pump part. You are doing awesome still managing to handle the pumpfest (ha) in between mastitis and doggie snatching. Big yay for the two week notice!

Once Upon A Time said...

Yay for the two week notice! I'll be living vicariously through you.

Pundelina said...

1. WTF kind of doctor was that??? Maybe she got her degree from one of those email spammers that offer you a bonafyde digree. An infection of the mastoid bone (kudos for knowing her bones though can you even get an infection there?).

2. Puh-leeze do NOT use the dogpoo'd valve. I will vomit if you so much as mention that again.

3. HOORAY!!!!! You resigned!!!! I am in awe of your boldness and nike-ness. You just did it! I really hope you enjoy your time with Jackson - I loved my time with my Little Guy, couldn't get enough of his sweet little baby self. Congratulations.


bunny said...

A banner day! ER and resignation! Uncertainty sure sounds natural, but I'm really glad the relief has the upper hand. I can't help but imagine everything will be unicorns and rainbows once the job is in the rear view mirror

Trinity said...

1)Fuck the sinusitis + bronchitis tag team. Miserably been there, miserably done that.

2)I'm not sure what pisses me off more about the doctor not knowing what mastitis is--that she is a new mother or that she is a freakin' doctor. Really, lady? Really?

3)Perhaps you can turn your pump part search into some kind of springtime scavenger hunt of sorts. Host a cookout and have your guests search for it, whoever finds it wins a prize. Kind of like the baby in a king cake.

4)I am so proud of you for turning in your resignation. I have a feeling you won't be looking back, girl.

Anonymous said...

Please, please, PLEASE have someone record ANY rendition of 'I Feel Pretty' performed in a heavy-smoker-sounding voice at a Target counter. You could be the next Susan Boyle, my friend. ;-)

I hope your ailments decide to give you a friggin break already. Or perhaps just murder someone to deserve the punishment.

And hallelujah indeed for the resignation. You will feel loads better.

Roccie said...

Congratulations on your freedom!

Heal up soon.