Here are my goals, in exact, particular order:
- Deal with constant level of anxiety that manifests as physical stress (unhealthy, headaches, unable to work out) and depression. Get under control, hopefully without need of drugs.
- Create constructive ways to fend off unwanted assvice and repeated requests by elderly family members, who've declared their intentions to do things however the hell they want (and contrary to how I want), to babysit because, eh, it ain't happening. Also, learn how to communicate this effectively with KB and keep us on the same page (it's his family we're talking about, and although he agrees they will likely not respect our parenting choices because they either disagree or simply believe they know better, and that this is unacceptable, he feels bad. I do not. You either respect mah authoritah where my kid is concerned, or you don't watch my son without me around. The end, fin, thankyouverymuch, remember to tip your waiter.)
- Sort out whether I want to A) return to work at all (because if not, I'll pull Jackson out of daycare completely -- he's only there now while I sort my shit out), B) work part-time (and keep Jackson in daycare 3 days/week), or C) find another full-time job that might simply be a better fit (and keep him in daycare full-time). I have to balance my grew-up-poor-always-worry-about-money self with my grew-up-without-loving-parents-around-and-won't-make-that-mistake self. It doesn't have to all be extremes, but the constant high level of anxiety I'm feeling makes clarity difficult. I feel like working part-time would be the best possible solution, but I want to think it through carefully to be sure that staying home isn't an overlooked option, since it is available to me. I need to figure out the balance between wanting to be the best parent to Jackson and also being good to myself. I would like to rid myself of career ambition, if I can, and not worry about money and just focus on being the best wife and mommy I can be. It's a work in progress.