Wednesday, April 20, 2011

In Which I Get All Stabby

My dad inexplicably blocked me from viewing his fb wall. I guess the status quo of me not paying attention to or commenting on his immature, bigoted posts wasn't good enough -- he felt it necessary to make it known to me that I cannot even see them. I don't know what his motivation is, but it's like a mini slap in the face: I can reject you in a million ways, even at arm's length, even on fb. Thanks, pops. You're a peach. The tender, fatherly love just keeps oozing out of you.

Also, my stepsister is squirting out another baby this September, having announced it on fb when she was a mere 5 weeks pregnant, and has been posting for over a month about how very intensely she hopes it's a girl. Guess what she's having? A boy. Or as she ever-so-flatly and unenthusiastically (I can interpret this because her enthusiasm is marked by adding "lmao" ubiquitously after every other post; poignant example: I can feel the baby kick. lmao.) posted it, "Well, looks like we're having another BOY." It was just missing the frownie face emoticon for the full force of her complete disappointment. Good thing you documented your prejudice all over fb ad nauseum so we all know how utterly let down you are now by your own fecundity. And good thing you can just keep crapping out more babies until you get that elusive girl. Because gender bias is a fine motivation to have more babies. (And to think, infertiles bear the brunt of science fiction-y designer baby/gender preference shenanigans...)

All of this reminded me, for some reason, of something my stepmother said when they came to visit after Jackson was born. She was extolling the fantastic parenting my stepsister does (she of the Hooters birthday parties for a toddler, and of the gun show sniper rifle practice for a toddler, and of the video games for a toddler, etc.). The evidence? Well, didn't you know, M___ used to work at BabiesRUs! That's how she got her wicked awesome parenting skillz!




AND THEN ALSO, we had dinner with neighbors the other night and I found myself trapped in a Parenting Contest that I did not enter, which went something like this:

Neighbor: My friend J___ has her 10-month-old son in swimming lessons and they're taking tumbling, and they're going to Gymboree 2 days a week and they're going to Mommy and Me groups..."

Me: *mentally making a shopping list because this is bullshit*

Neighbor: What are you and Jackson doing this summer?

Me: Uh. Prolly roll around in the grass, go to a coffee shop, hang out. And drool. One of us may drool.

(Witty retort in my head: "Uh. Prolly get him hist first violin and start Suzuki training, then enroll him in AP Calculus and Organic Chemistry and Quantum Physics for Babies. Oh, and we're shopping around the rights to his first screenplay and a publisher of his first book of prose. I'm a Tiger Mom, bitches!)

Is it too much to ask to purchase a small island with temperate weather outside of both hurricane and earthquake radii and just live there with my little family, our dog, and a few chosen friends who also deserve reprieve from The Bullshit That Is All of This*? Anyone else want to come?

* Because I keep getting these unambiguous messages from the universe that humanity is, by and large, a big stanky bag of shit left on fire on your doorstep. Or maybe it's the semi-retarded teenagers who left it there. I dunno. But it sure does stink sometimes. What more evidence do you need, really?**

** Need more? The Voice: that new shitty show, wherein self-promoting musical prodigies Xtina, that sleazy guy from Maroon 5, some countrified dude, and Cee-Lo (for whom I make an exception, because he IS a genius) pose for the camera while the next Taylor Hicks croons karaoke at us. It's just Diet Idol by way of America's Got Very Little Talent. That should be enough to convince you.***

*** Still no? Then, Guy Fieri. That's the punchline.


Carli said...

Sorry about your dad blocking you on fb. That sucks. Not that he had anything to say that you really wanted to see - but still - being blocked is no bueno.

I know what you mean about the parents who enroll their kids in swimming classes and the likes at 10 months. Seriously???

ASP said...

Girl, stop it. You're going to drive yourself nuts with all the family shenanigans. Your dad is a real turd for blocking you like that. What, like you wouldn't notice that he did that or something? I'm sure a lot of their idiotic moves stem from jealousy that you've been so successful and I'm sure you don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they're getting to you. Which probably drives them even crazier than they already are.
Don't get me started how I'm about to delete every hillbilly, idiotic, "let me post everyday how much I love my grandkids that are barely taken care of because their parents are a bunch of incompetent asshole parents" family members from my FB. I'm so sick of it. When something that's fun is becoming stressful, it might be time to just get rid of the problem. The problem being the family members. Oh, and don't let me forget to mention, how I hide every post from my mom because I'm always afraid what she's going to say in her comments. Fuuuuuuck. Stupid Facebook.
People are the same way around here about "When are you going to sign O up for blah, blah, fucking blah, blah, blah..." Not now. Not now while I can enjoy snuggling her and hanging out outside and enjoying the warm weather (if that ever happens around here) and just doing absolutely nothing that involves being in a stupid ass Gymboree with Jimbo the Clown (I had my fair share of that place as a nanny). Maybe you should move here and we could be the cool moms on the block that actually like hanging out with our kids and breathing fresh air. We have a few nice houses for sale on our block. You did say that you hate your house now...:) Like Tupac would say, "Keep ya head up!" Don't let the morons get to you. ♥

Kelly said...

What a winning family you get to deal with!

Facebook + pregnancy = Hell

Seriously. That shit's the worst... the constant updates, oversharing, and complaining give all pregnant ladies/moms a bad name.

Cheri said...

Ya know what? Some families are just f'ed up. Unlucky you. Read Frank McCourt and when you have a moment, (like if you can afford to NOT work at all ???? ) start that book. Because you're no Frank McCourt; way less conventional, just as funny, and you can write. Hope I'm not stressing you out. I just have a feeling it would be a hysterical hit.

Anonymous said...

Dear, my heartfelt sympathy. Your dad is a winner. How on Earth will you ever get by without his wisdom posted on fb? HOW?!

Give Jackson an extra cuddle from me and just put this whole S*ITE behind you. You have better things to do with your sanity.

But please don't forget to post about these pearls your family give around. It makes all the rest of us, with crap families, a little less lonely.

bunny said...

What a charming follow up to your post about lack of love. JERK.

Bun Bun's already doing Suzuki ukulele, so Jackson will never be the most superior child on earth. Sorry. Honestly though, that shit freaks me out. What ever happened to just plain old playing? You know, like digging a hole in the yard and making up some mud? There's something deeply, deeply wrong about that kind of scheduled time for a 10 month old.