Wednesday, June 1, 2011

IF from A to Z

A. Age when you started trying to conceive*: 30

B. Baby dancing** or sexytime:  Once we started IVF, and then got pregnant and had a behbeh, sexytime became both recreational and rare  

C. Children wanted: We always said we wanted to have 2

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill-in children: 1 a-hole dog

E. Essential oils/Vitamins/Snake oils: Flintstones chewable -- you read that right; for my third (successful) IVF cycle, I downed shit-tons of vitamin C

F. Fertility meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Estrace, Crinone, Ovidrel, Ganirelex, Menopur, Follistim, and Progesterone in oil (both olive and sesame!)

G. Gain: On the verge of pre-pregnancy weight, and then must lose the IVF weight that preceded it

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Performed by (I assume) a myopic radiology resident I will call Dr. Butterfingers -- ouch -- but all clear up in the ute and shoots

I. Infertile pet peeves: Being asked when we're going to have another one (as if we can just roll over in bed one evening and decide to bump uglies and make a baby)

J. Job title: Full-time mama and (perhaps) (maybe) (possibly) soon-to-be part-time freelance writer

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Nacho bidness

L. Length of time trying to conceive: 18 months

M. Miscarriages: Thankfully, none

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I changed my OB/GYN after spending over 6 pointless months on Clomid, Estrace, and Crinone while doing IUIs for which I had to send KB to the RE clinic near our house and then go pick up his centrifuge full of defective-ass sperms ('fuge o' spooge) and transport it in my cleavage (yes, this is how they instruct you to keep it warm) to drive it across town so I could sit in my OB/GYN's waiting room full to the brim of pregnant bellies and shoot daggers at anyone curiously eyeballing the protrusion in the top of my bra and shirt and then after waiting for at least 45 minutes, get put in a room to wear the paper shirt and no pants and then wait 30 more minutes to have what I assume were 100% dead-ass sperms shot like a pointless cannon of despair into my awaiting and soon-to-be-disappointed ute*** -- after that, we self-referred to the RE and got a second RE opinion after our second failed IVF cycle (and chose to stay with original RE since opinions were the same and our insurance covers medical procedures at her clinic)

O. Ovarian quality: All good on paper (with the occasionally borderline-high FSH -- ruh-roh), but poor response to mega-doses of gonadotropins a la IVF stimulation (probably a hormone receptor polymorphism, resulting in a lower number of available receptors that can respond to a sub-occupation physiological level of gonadotropins, but causing a blunted ceiling effect when you flood the system with hormone)****

P. POAS or wait for ye ole period: Golden showers make May, something

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "At least you don't need birth control"

S. Sperm: Rock star (if that rock star is Keith Richards) (severe male factor infertility characterized by markedly low motility and 0% normal morphology, improved to a whopping 1% normal after 3 months on 50 mg/day Clomid and Proxeed)

T. Time you tried naturally: 6 months with charting and ovulation predictor kits, and off and on between Clomid/IUI cycles for 6 more months

U. Uterus quality: Bee-you-tee-ful 

V. Vagina: Present?

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Thanks to Jackson, we have every baby gizmo and gadget known to humankind (but his favorite toy is still my iPhone case)

X. X-tra X-tra hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy trying-to-conceive journey? Most of our immediate family, some extended family (details offered on request), and most friends

Y. Yearly exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Back to annuals now (between the OB/GYN and RE, I didn't need a general practitioner for over two years)

Z. Zits: I'm a picker, I'm a grinner

* I'm no fan of the conception-related lexicon of shorthand and acronyms (no offense intended if you are)
** Lordy, do I despise this term -- let's see how stupid it sounds used in a sentence by a grown-up: we baby danced our goddamned brains out until it almost wasn't fun anymore and still didn't get knocked up
*** So, I have some mixed feelings about my original OB/GYN's ability to diagnose infertility and manage treatment; does it come through? 

**** For all you science nerds


bunny said...

I always suspected you had a hormone receptor polymorphism. Kidding. But that's quite interesting. And yeah, no offense to anyone who finds it useful, but "baby dance" makes me want to puke. Unless we're doing it wrong (and probably we were, 'cause we never made a baby) there was no dancing involved.

Roccie said...

Our is Nacho Bizniz. No wonder I like you so much.

* I am just lazy.

** Cant we just say fuck?

*** OB suck factor is high all around these days.

**** I was v v impressed but saddened by whatever the fuck that meant.

ps - my word verification is angloboy. No joke. Word to Jackson.

Roccie said...


Your comment at Bunny's.

Still lol.