Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I'll Tell You Who Gives Two Shits

You guys, I'm worrried that my baby might be dumb.

I let him run around the house naked while we were preparing to take a bath, and for no good reason at all he crouched down and shat on the floor. What kind of baby does that? It's uncivilized.

What happened next was akin to Neo dodging bullets in The Matrix. I cried out "NOOOOOOOO!" in slow-mo and reached for wipes, only to discover that the bin was EMPTY. I ripped open a brand new container of super spendy gDiaper wipes (biodegradable! chlorine-free! requires a small loan to purchase!) and used them to poop-scoop while Jackson toddled away, laughing hysterically.

BULLET DODGED.

Only not.

Do you think I learned any lessons from this turdy near-miss?

No. No, I did not.

Feeling confident, I let Jackson continue running around with his bits n' pieces flapping in the proverbial breeze. And then. He crouched down and took a mighty dump. Again. AND HE WAS LAUGHING WHILE HE POOPED. ON THE FLOOR. AGAIN. Only now he knew that poop was imminent, and as I scurried over with more wipes, he REACHED FOR A TURD. I batted his hand away, which was apparently part of the game and made him laugh even more hysterically. Maniacally. And while I flushed his turdle down the toilet across the hall, he starting WHIZZING ON THE FLOOR. And for the first time, he made the connection between pee itself and the act of peeing. As in, ohmahgawd the pee is coming out of mah pee-hole and I MADE IT DO IT I AM SO AWESOME LIKE A MAGIC BEHBEH WIZARD YAY! He grabbed at his junk and laughed while the pee just.kept.coming. People, all I could do was stand there and watch and laugh with him. His total delight was pretty contagious. I wiped up his puddle with a nearby burp cloth and off to the kitchen sink bath we went.

True story. The end.

14 comments:

Rebecca said...

OMG! That was a good morning chuckle.

Lauren said...

That's hysterical

ASP said...

Best story evvvvvvvver!

BB said...

Thats hilarious! :D

Oak said...

And with a fortuitous click from your comment on Bunny's blog I stumbled upon this post and laughed very hard. And then promptly stopped as I'm certain that in about, oh, three months, I'll be posting the same story.

hope4joy said...

Love it...

jenicini said...

omg I just laughed so hard! Thanks for sharing!

Lisa said...

That is awesome!

Trinity said...

Babies and poop? It's a mine of unharvested comedic gold, man. I have learned, all too recently, that there is zero you can do but laugh and laugh. (And sanitize the bejeesus out of things.) :)

One time I let Arlo free-range in the buff after bathtime, and I found him standing up against the ottoman, forecefully whizzing away on it, like a drunk leaning into a back alley wall. Good lord.

Naked baby poop and pee antics AND rescuing your dog from a rabid raccoon? I salute you, friend! :)

bunny said...

This is the first step to toilet training, right? Demonic glee and a total piss and shit fest? Maybe I'll clear all the furniture and rugs, etc. out of one room and let it be the naked room...

Cheri said...

Whoa. Tell ya what. In eight years of daycare and roughly 50 kids total over those years, I NEVER experienced excrement on that level in a single day. Unless you count the dog poop in the shag carpeting . . . (It WAS the seventies.) Yuck. (Much cuter to picture your little guy running amuck.)

kdactyl said...

My 11 month old sweet little lady was happily waiting at the edge of the bathtub last week and pretty much did the same thing!!!! But it shocked her and she cried! But I was totally grossed out! I can wipe poo, I can clean poopy cloth diapers...but picking it up off the floor all warm and steaming is just too much for me!

And...on the boy front...when our son was nearing two he was in our trailer on a camping trip naked and waiting for a bath when he started peeing....he just stood there screaming in total terror "I pee pee I pee pee!" He was shocked and pretty much I think the put off potty training until he was almost three :(

Totally funny story though....I can see it all happening!

kd

Pundelina said...

ROFL - that story is chock-full of awesome.

Roccie said...

I remember the first time I caught poop bare handed like it was yesterday.

What a wonderful initiation it is.

Grand Master Shits, you are.