You guys, I'm worrried that my baby might be dumb.
I let him run around the house naked while we were preparing to take a bath, and for no good reason at all he crouched down and shat on the floor. What kind of baby does that? It's uncivilized.
What happened next was akin to Neo dodging bullets in The Matrix. I cried out "NOOOOOOOO!" in slow-mo and reached for wipes, only to discover that the bin was EMPTY. I ripped open a brand new container of super spendy gDiaper wipes (biodegradable! chlorine-free! requires a small loan to purchase!) and used them to poop-scoop while Jackson toddled away, laughing hysterically.
Do you think I learned any lessons from this turdy near-miss?
No. No, I did not.
Feeling confident, I let Jackson continue running around with his bits n' pieces flapping in the proverbial breeze. And then. He crouched down and took a mighty dump. Again. AND HE WAS LAUGHING WHILE HE POOPED. ON THE FLOOR. AGAIN. Only now he knew that poop was imminent, and as I scurried over with more wipes, he REACHED FOR A TURD. I batted his hand away, which was apparently part of the game and made him laugh even more hysterically. Maniacally. And while I flushed his turdle down the toilet across the hall, he starting WHIZZING ON THE FLOOR. And for the first time, he made the connection between pee itself and the act of peeing. As in, ohmahgawd the pee is coming out of mah pee-hole and I MADE IT DO IT I AM SO AWESOME LIKE A MAGIC BEHBEH WIZARD YAY! He grabbed at his junk and laughed while the pee just.kept.coming. People, all I could do was stand there and watch and laugh with him. His total delight was pretty contagious. I wiped up his puddle with a nearby burp cloth and off to the kitchen sink bath we went.
True story. The end.