Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Step One: Have Lots of Fun

The RE consult went well. I mean, it went as expected. I brought Jackson with me and the staff oohed and aahed and fawned over him, which I like to imagine is fun for them given how much they watch people endure to get to where we are. And then we got down to bidness. We still have insurance coverage (except for meds, boo!) so we can afford several cycles if needed. New bloodwork for me and KB, to have current proof that neither of us picked anything up that one night in Bangkok. Another date with the jizz cup and a magazine in a medical clinic bathroom for KB. And then a saline sonogram for me, about 2 weeks from now, that will be the last piece of evidence we need to march on. So, yeah, if everything checks out (mainly, if Jackson didn't leave behind a mess when he vacated my uterine accommodations, in which case I'm taking the full deposit from him with no refund whatsoever) then we could be starting a cycle in mid-February. For those of you keeping track, that's in a month.

This time, things are different. They have to be. And they also just are. For one, my RE told me that continued weight loss (I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight but not yet at my pre-IVF weight) and aerobic exercise 5 days a week is considered beneficial for fertility and IVF. That wasn't the case 2 or so years ago, when I was advised to limit heavy exercise due to its potential effects on metabolism. You know about medical research, right? If you don't like the guidelines, wait a couple of years and the conventional wisdom will change. So my efforts to exercise (I'm going back to my personal trainer/torture buddy next week to get this weight loss show on the road again) and drop ell-bees apparently will dovetail nicely with my desire to get knocked up. But that's the surface stuff. The biggest difference this time is that it's not all or nothing. We don't emerge from this as either parents or not parents. And it's not an endless tunnel with no light. KB and I haven't set any limits on how many cycles (in my head I am prepared for 3, since it took that many to get Jackson) or discussed whether or not we'd move on to donor egg (which we were thisclose to doing last time around). I have no idea if I will feel emotional or sad if the first, or any subsequent, cycle isn't going well (I sort of expect it, as none ever did), or if they fail. I reserve the right to be a raging hormotional bitch when I'm jacked up on megadoses of gonadotropins, but for now I feel a sense of calm. Of determination. Of hope. I don't even feel cynical about it. I think, after all this time, I've finally accepted that this is our normal, our shifted baseline, and with that I can let myself daydream about another pregnancy, another baby, a completion of our family on our terms. I already have the baby's nursery theme figured out, you guys.

And so until my next period starts and the testing begins and then the next period starts and the cycle begins, I just live my life. I've got prescriptions for doxycyclene (for the saline sonogram) and estrace (for priming the antagonist cycle) sitting in my purse from this morning. In a remarkable show of restraint, I did not fill them today. See? Whole new approach. This is the new normal.


BB said...

Wishing you the best with this journey! Hope the calm, the determination... prevails and we see a sibling for Jackson soon! {HUGS}

Trinity said...

Step by step, Ooooh baybee, Really want you in Jen's woooooorld

(And now that is stuck in my head, thankyouverymuch.)

This is soon! This is, like, practically NOW! Wowzers, dude. You know, now that I think about it, you are my first blog friend to re-enter the Twilight Zone for Operation Baby B Hot Shots Part Deux, so I am going to learn all kinds of shit from you about the difference between treatment sans bebe and treatment avec bebe. I am fervently praying to the Universe that you do not have to use up all three of your wishes, my dearie.

jenicini said...

Wow next month! Awesome! You are also my first bloggy friend to get going on round numero dos. I'm so excited for you! :D

kdactyl said...

I gotta say...after 12 months and five cycles to get our first child...I was a total basket case...the typical freaked out...20lbs heavier, phsyco stereotypical Infertility patient!!!! Thank goodness that last cycle worked...! So...when we went off for baby number two...I kind of expected it would be the same...NOPE...just like you...I was in a different place...had my cake....this would just be icing on it! So we went in hopeful and wanting...but it was soooo much more calm. So much less "desperate"... Granted...once those embryos were in my uterus...a little of the old psycho returned...but nothing like those first cycles. I wish you all the peace and success we had one our 2nd try....we now have a beautiful baby girl (well..14 months) and our family is complete!

Oh..and yay for Insurance...we only had enough insurance for one cycle very early everything else was on glad that additional financial stressor is not there for you!!!


kmina said...

Finger and other crossable crossed, deities under all names offered prayers and sacrifices, hope on highest level and best luck wishes all your way. I do hope it is easier this time and that the calm stays with you.

Roccie said...

Ride it baby ride it! You have the world lining up for you and it is about fucking time your name was in lights. That is a great update - your head is right where it needs to be: perhaps mildly whacked, but COGNIZANT and ACCEPTING of the whackitity.

I am want you to get your own eggs in working order. If for some reason they dont cooperate, I am glad you dont fear the DE.

Of course should you choose to go that route there will be some healing to do, but I love the openness to it. What am I. Self appointed DE Spokesperson? Sorry, I just want to amen your DE shake.

Get to work body! Give us another baybee!!

Rebecca said...

Best of luck! I start my injections this weekend.

bunny said...

What a serene and lovely zone to be in as you start this phase. I'm hoping (obviously) it will work on the first go, but you sound practical, realistic, and READY. And it's pretty exciting!

hope4joy said...

Back in the saddle again! A much more comfortable, well known and less scary saddle. This will no doubt be a different journey then the first three. I hope it is much easier and faster then past experiences.